Not such a good day

Yesterday was Wednesday and I felt so low that I didn't make any entries in this blog.

From the moment I awoke, I felt rough and weak, despite having had a good night's sleep. I was expecting my parents to come and see me for the day, so I was excited about that, but something felt very out of kilter emotionally and physically. It took some time to get going.

It was wonderful to see my parents, especially my father after all he has been through. I hadn't seen him since the day before my mastectomy, when he was in hospital recovering hours after his heart attack. Like me, he looked fragile, but I knew at just the act of coming to see me, despite my mother being the driver, was still a new step for him on his path to recovery, added to the fact that he is not sleeping very well at the moment. But it was lovely, despite having seen him on FaceTime! to be able to give him a big hug. They had brought me beautiful roses and my mother sweetly arranged them for me in a vase and we ate lunch.

The postman brought me a sheaf of letters, two of which were from the hospital. One was a total surprise: it was an appointment with the oncologist for next Wednesday. I was unnerved, rattled: I had been told with almost certainty that I would not get an appointment until mid September and I had been more than comfortable to wait before progressing to the next step.  By seeing the Oncologist next week, it means that my discovery of whether or not I will undergo chemotherapy will take place next week. I will also start my menopause sooner, because my systemic treatment (the hormone drug tamoxifen) will start sooner. I'd thought I had a window in which I could do nothing and was ready to absolve my responsibilities to my wellness for over a month.

But now, I face this next week.

Like I said, I was rattled, and I was already feeling down. After my dear parents left I sank into a deep sleep so I wouldn't have to think any more.. I know what everyone is saying to me, that it's better to start his earlier, to find out earlier; and to be fair as soon as I was diagnosed I faced the reality if needing chemotherapy. But now it's on the verge of happening, suddenly I don't feel so brave.